foamborn's Blog

this journal entry was written while heavily under the influence of vicodin and tramedol, and therefore i must warn you that its not quality writing. its kind of boring and bland and just not very well written :/ my apologies..

　

today is monday, and im sitting in brads moms kitchen listening to BTBAMs new album and watching brad cook burgers on the skillet. we got here yesterday as planned, although we didnt meet his mom in south bend, instead we met in plymouth and ate at ponderosa.. *sigh* i seriously dislike restaurants, too many people and i hate eating at a table with a bunch of people. i wouldnt mind it too badly i guess if it were just me and brad, or us and some friends maybe *shrugs*.. id still really rather not :/

as soon as we got there brads mom gave us each two tramedol, which made being at a restaurant (buffet, technically) not so unbearable. so that was nice..

but the food was pretty nasty. bleh..

my system was singing with chemicals, it was ecstacy. i floated hither and yon lol.. me and brad also bought a pack of cigarettes the day before, because ive been craving some, and because we knew wed be effed up on tramedol for a few days straight (and cigarettes seem to be extra enjoyable on trams).. so after we got done eating we went to the back of the ponderosa and sat on the sidewalk and smoked like chimneys.

fuck, im picking my lips right now >.< fkjbsvadbvakljvblkbjsfiv! fml.. i cant stop!

oh man, brad just made some tomato soup for his little sister.. i dont even LIKE tomato soup and i think it was AMAZING!! ^o^

(excuse my random train of thought, im on a considerable amout of vicodin (and a bit of tramedol)..but ill get to the vicodin in a moment..) gah! im so itchey!!!

when we got to brads moms house, their miniature dotson was excited to see me. she pees when shes excited.. she jumped up on my leg and i bent down and pet her. she layed down and rolled over onto her back and pissed all over her hind legs lol

brads step dad, terry, made french onion soup that night for dinner, which i find pretty remarkable since hes almost blind. it was pretty good too! it had croutons in it and a huge glob of motzerella cheese melted on top. i also took some more tramedol before dinner.. but after dinner my stomach had a cramp in it, it hurt really bad, and i felt a little nauseous.. i was really out of it and in a sort of apathetic, chemical stupor.. so i layed down and went to sleep

we i got up it was time to go to the optometrist to get my glasses. the last time i got my eyes checked, i think i was a toddler or something.. i was super young. anyways, i had a pretty awful headache and i was kind of nauseous, but i took a couple naproxem sodiums anyways (they made me feel ALOT worse, like i wanted to puke)..

brads mom offered to buy wendys, and she did, but i didnt feel like i could keep anything down.. so i got a sprite. i got some fresh air before the appointment, even though technically we were late. but i still felt pretty awful :( i was even offered some tramedol but didnt want it.

i filled out a short, one page information form. then i pretty black lady in a white doctor coat took me back into a room with two machine things with little ledges to put my chin on. the first one i looked into had a little christmas tree that appeared to be in the distance, and the second one blew a small burst of air into my eyes >.< i was starting to feel a bit less nauseous though.

she then took me to another, darker room (queue the porno music lol jk) and made me read a computer screen with rows of random letters on it that was at the other end of the room. then she asked if it was ok to dialate my pupils (or if i wanted to do it some other time, i guess?) and i said "of course". so she left the room and came back with some eyedrops and put one drop into each eye, told me the effects and the left the room again. a couple minutes later, i heard brad from the other side of the door ask someone "is it ok if i go in there?" and then he walked in and kept me company, gave me my sprite :)

i took a small round mirror out of my purse and held it up to my eye, and i stared into the void that had swallowed my iris. i had a mild flashback of looking into the bathroom mirror at my ex-boyfriends friends house after i had done mushrooms for the first time. i remember being utterly astonished and then keeled over with laughter, tears streaming down my face, squeazing my legs together so i dont piss myself lol.. it was probably the funniest night of my life, litterally everything made me laugh.. i laughed to myself then, sitting there in the optometrists office.

my nausea started to return..

the doctor came in and checked out my eyes, staring into the void (my pupils) through machines and such, made me read charts again, diagnosed me and what-not, then left. once again me and brad got to be alone.. i cherish these moments because we have so little privacy where we live, in the one room apartment. we sat, talking for a while until the pretty black woman came back and told us we can come out and choose which frame id like, and she handed me a thin piece of dark tinted plastic, cut to form the shape of glasses, the type that a blind person might wear. i didnt put them on though, on acount of them looking ridiculous. i decided the sun wasnt that intense..

we looked at frames awhile and i slowly got more nauseous from standing, plus my head was hurting. but i did find a pretty pair of metal rimmed glasses that are black on the outside and green inside, and werent very expensive. im very excited to be getting them!! (i dont have them yet, the lenses still have to be cut)..

a lady came and told me to sit down on a computer chair at this little desk thing and made me wait there.. when she came back, brad had gone to sit down, and to talk to his mom, but abby stayed next to me and talked my ear off a bit (she was very recently prescribed adderol).. when the lady came back she had me sign two papers. then she left again.. i looked over at abby and said "im going to the bathroom" and i ran away to the restroom and puked :s but then i felt a bit better.. when i came back i signed two more papers and then we finally left.

but we had to drive all the way from south bend to niles, and the car ride succeeded in making me nauseous again, so as soon as we got back i puked agin. the sun also succeeded in giving me a migrain.. so i was offered some vicodin (which i took), and i layed down on an air mattress upstairs, another room that me and brad get to be alone together in.. we cuddled and took a short nap.. when i woke up i could feel the vicodin humming in my system, which felt pretty good, i didnt feel sick anymore, but i still had a headache. so brad got me a cold rag to put on my eyes<3

tomorrow me and brad are going back to our home in rochester.. withdrawing from tramedol is a horrible drag.. 

im going to start out by saying that i have a terrible nervous habit of picking the skin off of my bottom lip.. its kind of a wonder that they never get infected from whatever bacteria may be lurking under my fingernails.. i cant seem to stop. i do it whenever im thinking deeply, or when im emotionally upset or uncomfortable in some way. i do it when i read (which i never realized until yesterday, when i was reading and brad asked if i was picking my lips. he had his back to me. it mildly freaked me out, like hes psychic or something. i was like "...yeah... how did you know??" and he said "you always pick your lips when you read." i had no idea lol) im doing it right now as i contemplate what to write.. and i pick it while i lie awake at night, unable to turn off my brain.

my upper lip remains smooth and untouched, and is a really pale shade of pink, while my bottom lip is a really really dark pink, almost red.. admittedly i kind of like the contrast to the rest of the skin on my face, which doesnt help at all in my trying to stop picking at the damn thing..

yesterday me, brad, mery and josh all were at merys moms house (where we usually hang out because theres food, drink, and internet. theres also a washer and dryer..) and zach showed up trailing destiny behind him like he sometimes does. theres something about her that i just cant handle..several things actually. she talks entirely too much, and the things she says are pretty..idk..shes 15. shes just very obnoxious.. and i was trying to read but couldnt because she was sitting in the room with us and i just couldnt tune her out. i must have re-read the same two short paragraphs like ten times..

so i went out to the front porch for some quiet. its one of those enclosed porches, its just like another room of the house thats colder.. it has two decent sized windows and an old loveseat. i read a whole chapter before stopping to listen to the quiet for a moment.. mery and destiny's low, muffled conversation from the living room, mixed with the wind banging something on the house, and the sound of several whirlwinds of dead leaves skirting across pavement outside.. its november now..calm, quiet november. halloween excitement has passed, leaving a big gap between now and christmas.

the calm suddenly drops away as destinys laughter from the other room erupts and touches my ears somewhat abrasively as always.. i stare blankly out the window and sigh, and all the things i use for self-medication flash through my mind in the span of exaclty one second, all at once. the first thing that came up was coffee (or anything with ALOT of caffiene or ALOT of sugar), the second thing was pills, and the third was a cigarette. its funny to me because weed used to be the first thing that would pop into my brain, but i havent smoked in..im not even sure when the last time was.. not that i wouldnt love to indulge in that lovely little herb right about now.

but as swiftly as the ideas came in to mind, they were put away because i had no access to any of them.. except coffee.. but in order to obtain that id have to pass through the living room, which just seemed like more trouble than it was worth. so i did the only other thing i do to comfort myself, pick my lip (and continue reading).

today is friday, and the day is half gone. on sunday brad grandparents are taking us to south bend to meet with brads mom. shes taking us from there, i think were going to the eye doctor. shes getting me a pair of glasses that ive needed for some years now, im very grateful to her for it. im nervous about getting air blown into my eyeball casue ive never experienced that before.. but other than that im excited. and then well be staying with his mom in niles until tuesday, which should be for lack of a better term interesting because she shares her tramedol with us (and that stuff is not very fun to withdrawl from).. yet we love the stuff.. alot.

this is all for now :) 

this is a journal i wrote on october 11th.. not sure why i never posted it..but its slipped my mind until now.

boy lilikoi plays on my laptop (a song from jonsi’s solo album) as brad and his roommates converse about languages and their varying expressiveness. im writing this in their little basement apartment, sitting on the end of the wrap-around couch…jonsi’s knock-eye is now the topic of conversation. brad said he thinks itd be kind of awkward and difficult to have sex with someone with a knock-eye..

I personally love his knock-eye, haha.. its charming. it somehow goes with his smile and his personality *shrugs*

brad needed his phone charger so I dug through my purse in pursuit of it.. he found it elsewhere but I suddenly have the urge to tip my purse upside-down and make an inventory of all the shit I keep in my personal little abyss.. *shifty eyes* ..I shall save that for later : )

right now I want to talk about current living conditions and such. this is probably the longest ive been away from home, and its only been about two weeks, going on three now.. im very home-sick. and my severe pms is making it so much harder on me, grr.. everyday i have to force myself not to have a breakdown. ill be cool and feeling normal when suddenly ill be really moody and on edge. then ill realize the random change in mood and ill get REALLY fucking upset at how out of control my emotions are, and about anything else around me that could possibly stress me out. tiny, little, insignificant things that I could barely call “mildly” stressful will suddenly be the bane of my existence.. its intense in an awful way..

im having bad caffeine withdraw...

enough of my whining and crying.. its uninteresting..

so anyways, what I wanted to talk about was where I am. im in rochester right now, where everything is within walking distance (im serious), and the church bell rings every half hour. when its eleven, itll ring eleven times, and when its eleven thirty itll just ring out once as the half hour mark.

we went from here in rochester, to niles to help brads mom watch abby again while terrys in the hospital (again)..and now were back here in quaint little rochester.

staying at brads mothers new house in niles wasn’t too bad. we had plenty of stuff to eat and snack on, plenty of that magickal liquid drug I love so much (mountain dew), and wed also often gets our hands on some vicodin and or tramedol one way or the other.. watching his sister was really starting to wear on me though *sigh* she can be a lot to handle if you don’t have an enormous supply of patience.. shes extremely whiny and bossy, amongst others things.. but shes ten, shes got plenty of time to improve upon her flaws haha..

back here in rochester, brads grandparents live about two or three blocks away from mery and josh’s apartment. I rather enjoy their house except for the strange smell… it’s a mixture of dog and soiled rugs, and old people. they have three little toy dogs that are adorable, but they bark like MAD whenever you enter or leave the house or even the effing room.. they’ve been living in that house for a very, very long time now and it looks just like any grandparents house would look like. floral lace curtains with big fiber optic angels in the big picture window, walls covered in old pictures and crafts (they’ve got a big collection of beautiful landscape paintings that people have painted onto large hack-saws, ones you might cut a tree down with), shelves and glass cases completely filled and cluttered with old creepy looking dolls and other odd random knickknacks covered in dust, and a stool in the shower so they can sit while they bathe (complete with a steel hand-rail on the inside shower wall), and all the leftovers in the fridge are in ceramic bowls with ceramic lids instead of tupper wear .. but they’ve got some more modern things around the house too, like a flat screen television that they keep turned up way too loud so that they can hear it (and a lot of times they’ll watch it from the kitchen) and on the same fucking news channel, a leather love seat and two leather recliners that they sit in (always the same ones, grandma gets the black one and grandpa gets the brown one), a side-by-side fridge, a dish washer, a fancy washing machine where the dryer is on top, and a huge touch screen wireless computer with a scanner and printer (and a laptop as well) haha.. the basement is completely finished and furnished to look like another living room. theres a kitchen down there as well, and a bathroom with a jacuzzi tub. up in the attic its all furnished to be a bedroom, theres carpet and a futon and a huge desk and small dresser. that’s where we sleep when we stay there..

his grandparents are strange but nice people.. granny likes to hear herself talk but she can say something funny hear and there.. especially when she cusses. ive heard her say “shit ass” a few times and “skinny fucker” haha.. but ive heard stories about her, shes kind of umm.. I dont know.. demented? and has a tendency to be a bit violent.. grandpa is quieter.. keeps the help-wanted adds to give to brad so he can maybe find a job (that he wants but also really doesn’t want, which I completely understand), wears blue jeans almost up to his chest held up always with his suspenders. apparently he has a bag that he wears under his waist band that his urine runs into (you cant tell because of the baggy jeans, I just know this from brad). and his vision and hearing are failing him more and more.. ugh… I don’t want to get old

apparently though theyre both hard workers.. furnished the basement and attic like it is, built this nice huge patio out back, and have a nice little fenced in backyard full of small rocks and statues instead of grass (complete with a walkway, pond, and pretty flowers).. not to mention the vegetable (if you don’t count the grapes) garden and apple trees beyond the fence that they own.

its all very nice.. a nice place where me and brad can sort of escape to if we want some alone time from his roommates. theyre his best friends and all, its just that im finding their living arrangements slowly harder and harder to deal with, especially since no one out of us four have a job. so we have no money for food or caffeine or anything else.. we have to walk down to merys mothers house to make food (brad and josh are pretty good at throwing things together and experimenting with seasonings and spices and everything else, its awesome).. the lack of food and drink is wearing on me a little. ive never drank so much water! (which I know isnt really a bad thing, its just hard to suddenly have very little flavored liquid).. some juice would be amazing..

ill be going back home in a week to watch my brother for a few days while mom and amy go to las vegas.. I cant wait.. I really really want some candy (and some caffeine).. I need sugar!!! >.< grrraarrr… good thing halloween is so soon.. but so is my moms birthday!! Ive been meaning to draw her a picture but at the moment ive no idea where the fuck my notebook got to.. hmm….. I cant wait to see my family again (as in my mom and brother.. and amy. shes the new addition).. and my cats haha =^.^=

brad is asleep on the couch with his head in my lap and this is a lot longer than id intended (ouch.. my fucking back hurts.. im in a sort of crooked position) so I think ill part with you for now.. thanks always for reading my ramblings! :D 

wrote this back on september 21st.. random journal. didnt have good enough internet connection to post it here though (until now)

i have a picture of the building and one of the sign out in front but i have yet to get them on my computer for posting (ill come back and add them eventually)

enjoy :)



im currently sitting on a bed in a motel room, about half an hour away from home. its called the "golden eagle". brad is in the bed next to this one, looking through some old notebooks.. theres grass on his feet from walking outside taking pictures.. ive probably got some on mine as well, but i dont care to look.

were staying here for about a week, helping his mom watch his sister since his step-dad is in the hospital. shes really cute (his sister..shes 10) but she can be a pain.. i like to think im very patient though. and it helps that ive always wanted a sister.

theyve been staying here for a short time while they were finding a new house. well have to help his mom move things into said new house too, since terrys in the hospital.. moving is a drag.. but i like it. i like a change of scenery and atmosphere every once in awhile. i dislike routines greatly.

this place is very.....humble. but i find humble settings to be charming. like josh and merys new apartment.. its more like a basement with one long room and a bathroom. not very wide but enough room for two people to live in comfortably. it very much resembles the cabin on a boat, the walls are all lined with wood. its charming, but since its underground it only has a couple small windows that dont allow for much sunlight..so i dont like to stay down there for too long. but the wrap-around couch is cozy, and all four of us can fit on it. plus we can walk to merys mothers house and hang out there as long as we want. i like that house, with its hard wood floors and pastel walls and sheer green curtains.. and its quiet. the only complaint i have is that theres no air conditioning *shrugs* but autumn is approaching rapidly so its cooling off outside..

i layed awake for a long time last night, thinking. i slept next to the wall and couldnt help but stare at it and examine the random grimey spots which it seemed to be covered with.. questionable spatterings and greasey finger marks and such.. scuff marks and crayon lines.. i wonder how many people have stayed in this room, layed in this bed, or fucked right here where im laying trying to sleep. the center of the bed dips in, its well worn and apparenlty pretty old. it has loud squeaky springs.. its a double, even though the owners said it was a queen size (why lie?)..

i wonder if anyones killed themselves in this bed, or in this room even. people often do that, im not sure why.. to not get caught probably.. same reason they come here to fuck i suppose. have some privacy.. i try not to think about whats been in this bed before me too much but its impossible not to wonder.. in a couple of days ill be off my period and i expect me and brad will add our own sweat and fluids to this bed, oh my.. i feel like taking a shower just thinking about it >.> oh well *shrugs* im not that much of a germaphobe.

i then pondered upon the difference between making love and fucking.. i want to know how other people answer this question.. i wonder how many people even consider the difference. its a difficult question, i dont even know quite how to answer it (which is why id like to hear other peoples opinions)..

me and brad had a hard time sleeping last night.. it was kind of early for us to be trying to sleep. we layed awake cuddling for a long time, in the blinking glow of some neon sign outside. it was annoying because even with my eyes closed i could see the blinking, even when i turned toward the wall i could see it, because it was reflecting off the stained wall..an obnoxious red/orange. brad eventually got up and shut the curtains.

we went outside a couple times to smoke cigarettes in our pajamas. the cool air felt amazing because theres no air conditioning here, it only kicks on if the tempurature gets to a certain degree outside, which is really fucking stupid.. but the cool breeze felt even better with our bodies covered in a thin layer of sweat. i wanted to sleep out there, for the cool air and for the beautiful symphony of crickets and other unseen creatures of the night. i find the noise very relaxing.

at one point i spotted something that looked like a possum, emerging from the pitch black woods about 40 or 50 feet away from where we stood. i pointed, excitedly and nervously, and whispered "look! is that a possum?" and brad looked where i was pointing, and said "no, thats..a skunk!" and we immediatley started walking backwards, away from the animal. it was kind of neat actually because id never seen one before. id like to pet it if it werent for its brilliant defense mechanism.. theyre cute and fluffy looking, like a cat. we kept our distance though of course.

before i go i feel the need to say this.. tommy rogers is god (not to say that the other members of btbam arent equally as epic or talented, they are, its just that i really fucking love his voice)

 

this is all for now..thanks for reading my strange musings.. <3 hope you enjoyed it 

hey there lovely readers of my random blogs n.n  hope all is well with you
all is fairly well with me, i must say..

ive come here this morning to tell you all what happens when you get high..lol.. (nothing scientific or in-depth or technical, just things that have been happening recently while stoned..and things that happened due to years of weed abuse)

i do not suggest or recommend the abuse of any drug, btw. its ok to experiement every once in awhile, but its never good to use substances as a crutch or a way of coping

ok with all that said..

ive been smoking ALOT less recently because me and my bf (now ex) broke up and he always had it, so now its not as readily available.. my mother (and her uhm..life partner) smokes though, so they will usually smoke with me if i ask nicely.  anyways, instead of smoking as soon as i wake and maintaning that buzz pretty much all day (every day) until the moment i fall asleep, i only smoke maybe once a day, some days not at all  O_o  its quite a change, but its exactly the change ive been wanting for quite some time now.

so now that i smoke much, much less, when i DO get high, i get like REALLY HIGH and it doesnt take nearly as much to get me to that point   

so yesterday (its about 6:30am right now) i got high right before dinner.. and even though i was really hungry afterwards from munchies, i decided to hold off on eating for a bit because (as all stoners know) it kills your buzz. so i decided that i should go work on my room (im planning on taking my loft bed apart so i have to box everything thats under my bed, which is my desk, which is covered and surrounded with random shit of mine).. well i went into my room, sat down on the floor, and turned on the music and just chilled there for awhile until i decided i was hungry, then went and got some dinner.. when i went out to the kitchen, i looked out the window and saw that the sky had gotten pretty dark, and i realized i had completely missed the sunset! T_T (i hadnt planned on seeing it or anything, it was just disapointing, since i like to look at it every day *shrug*) and i said to myself "thats what happens when you get stoned, you miss sunsets"

and i went back into my room to eat my dinner.. and as i finished it i realized that i hadnt even started on my project i had intended to do (cleaning my room) lol.. once again i thought "thats what happens when you get stoned, you forget what you meant to do this whole time"

i found myself still hungry though after finishing my dinner, so i went to the kitchen, and i put a banana on a plate so i could slice it and freeze it (an amazing snack for later).. then, i left it to see what i could see in the pantry, something i could eat NOW instead of later (i think i grabbed some oreos..?) and when i came back to the banana, it stopped me in my tracks when i layed my eyes on it.. i almost gasped! lol.. for some reason, most likely my stoned state of mind, it looked JUST like the famous andy warhol banana XD  i had to take a picture of it (i then put it next to the actual picture of which it reminded me)    .....and now that i look at it in a much more clear headed state of mind (lol)  i think it just looks like a banana..on a plate... hahaha

 
so thats also what happens when you get high.. you see things differently (and are astounded (at the moment) by them)...but it makes for some humorous stories  :)


lets see here.. i have more random pictures to share with you all.. 
ah well start with this one.. i found one of those "WWJD?" bracelets and laughed out loud for a good long moment.. decided to wear it and took a picture (one that will probably offend some people, but hey, if you dont like my views, dont read/view them. this i my space to talk about my opinions. go to your own space and talk about yours, no need for nasty comments)


tee-hee!! :D

i also did my nails recently, rainbow colors!! but this is unlike the usual way i paint my nails with rainbows, usually ill make each nail one solid color and have the colors in rainbow order, but this time i went the more fancy (and time consuming) route and paited a whole rainbow on each individual nail!!!!! and every time i caught a glipmse of them they reminded me of candy! n.n


i was very pleased with how they came out for a first try.. (well..my left hand turned out much better than my right, as usual with right-handed, self-painted nails)

now that i have all the time in the world to myself (and im ALOT less depressed) i can hang out with my friends more often!!!!!! *dances* so my very good friend mary came over the other day :)  and we went to the park next to my house and played tick-tac-toe......she beat me >.< 


this, i should add, is also what happens when you get high!!! you lose the simplest games imaginable lol

i believ im out of pictures for right now... the sun is coming up so im going to get out there and walk to the lake..see if theres any nice photo opportunities.. the sky looks pretty overcast though.. hmm..

well i hope you enjoyed yet another humorous ramble, complete with pictures n_n

thank you all for reading my crap *hugs you all tightly*

until next time

randomness yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!! :D

ok so, i want to talk about this smokable incense: K2


you can find it at gas stations and a little packet like this will cost you about $16..but youll get quite a few bowls out of it (if thats how you chose to smoke it.. personally thats what i recommend)

theres higher levels of it called "summit" "blonde" "blue" and "pink" i believe.. (im not sure which order it goes in, idk which ones the strongest or weakest..) and those will cost you about $30!!  o.o

ive only tried this one in the picture, the standard stuff.. and im definitly satisfied with it!! it gives a nice, clean feeling high, it energizes you! it gives you a bit of a speeder buzz... so its not the best to smoke before retiring for bed lol (which ive done the last two nights >.<)  i like how it smells (its incense after all)

it made from natural plant materials and extracts.. its just herbs.. it has hops and lavender in it (along with other things)  and its 100% legal so it wont show up in drug tests "*thumbs up*

in other news...

i was outside taking pictures the other day and one of the neighbor kids called my name and i accidentally took this lol


and yesterday i was about to get in the shower and one of my cats wouldnt leave me alone lol...she layed down in the sink and eventually fell asleep.. i thought she looked a little creepy with her eyes like that




lol i took this as a joke, dont worry :P
i would never do something like that

and after getting out of the shower i wished that my hair was actually this big lol



tee-hee n.n

and then i took a nap  n.n


hahaha..ya...my lifes not too eventful

so i want to express all the little events and musings that make up my life :)

now i leave you with this picture that i just now took and uploaded :D
its another one of my cats, osiris <3   he really really wants my sandwich lol


-hope you enjoyed the randomness-

(there will be much more to come!)

i was laying in bed...i couldnt sleep.. all i was aware of was this feeling...it still has ahold of me but thats not the point..

im writing this because the feeling gave me a random memory...and for some reason, i feel like recording it here..

i must have been about 15.. i wish i could remember why i was so sad at the time.. i dont remember what was wrong..(must not have been that important)  but i remember needing to cry, but not wanting to be seen or heard by anyone.. i refuse to let people see me cry, unless i cant help it..even then id rather not anyone see...... i could have stayed in my bedroom or locked myself in the bathroom but those wouldnt be soundproof enough for the tidalwave of sorrow i needed to let flow..

so i put on a hoodie and armed with nothing but a cell phone and a couple pocket packs of tissues, i went out into the night..which wasnt as dangerous as it sounds, the neighborhood i lived in was nice and quiet, full of old people basically.. i walked down this road and that road, all over the place...until i found this little secluded playground and took shelter at the highest point, where one might slide down a spiral slied, but i just sat down, hugged my knees and sobbed... and sobbed... and sobbed...

until i felt like i couldnt cry anymore, and my head pounded, and my eyeballs throbbed in unison with my aching head... i then trudged back home...where my memory fades out...


i feel like running far away from here right now and crying... crying hard...  but theres nowhere really, because now i live in a damn trailer park...and the walls are even less soundproof :/   

yesterday i went to a pizza place i had never heard of before called the "hot box" lol.. i could hardly believe the name..  its such a stoner friendly place haha :P  and the pizza is really really good n_n
heres a pic i took of the wall..


and heres a pic of me, displaying the awesome napkin that says "napkin." 


the cup they give you says "cup." on it and the pizza box says "box." lol.. they also sell shirts that say "shirt." across them.. i want one n.n    we got a small supreme pizza and it costed $12!!!!! but it was worth it (i guess) lol..

(side of the box)


that is all for now..

first aid for cutting : click here------>   EP Link

first aid for burning : click here------> EP Link

Some self harm by injuring themselves with blunt force to produce bruises or tender spots. Those who use this method should take an extra pill of zinc and vitamin C daily, to boost healing. Arnica Montana tablets, found at your local health food store, made also help with bruising. Dissolve three to four tablets under the tongue twice a day.


i think we all agree that self-harming is not something glamorous nor should it be glorified. It is a very real problem among a number of people all over the world. The first step is to take care of you.

You should keep a 'recovery box.' Take a box, a shoe box will do, and decorate it with thing that make you happy. Pictures of your friends, family, pets, bands, or other things that brighten you up. In the box place more pictures, or write letters affirming you are better than what you are feeling right now, that you do not deserve your wounds, and that you are worth taking care of. Put CD's of music that makes you happy in it to play when you are feeling triggered. Put poetry about your feelings in, or short stories. Any artistic expression of you NOT cutting, overcoming your bad feelings, etc should go in the box. Go to this box when you feel you need to cut. Also, in the box, keep cards with Self-Injury hotlines, or Suicide hotlines to call in times of desperation. Also keep your friends' numbers in the box in case you need to call them and you cannot remember their numbers, as your mind is preoccupied with other things.

None of this is replacement for professional help, and seeking a therapist is highly advised. Remember that your first therapist is not always the right one for you. If you do not feel you can speak with confidence to the first therapist, then go to another, or another, or another until you find one that you are comfortable with. Do not hold back, as cutting spawns from problems unsolved in one's life. Work to fix the problem and the symptoms can then be addressed and taken care of.

DIVERSIONS

You feel you need to cut, but do not have access to your Recovery Box. You are getting desperate but do not want to self injure. There are other things you can do to divert yourself until the urge passes.

Constructive things
-write. Do poetry, short story, etc. This is an excellent tactic.
-Draw your feelings
-Go for some exercise. Go running or walking.
-Do some chores

If you feel you need to experience pain:
-Squeeze an ice cube. This hurts lot, but does not leave injury
-snap your wrist with a rubber band
-bite into a pepper or dab hot sauce on your tongue

If you feel sad or angry
-beat the hell out of a pillow or stuffed animal
-make a clay person and destroy it as you wish
-take a picture of yourself and make 'cuts' on the picture instead of you
-take a washable red marker and makes 'cuts' where you want to actually cut
-Flatten aluminum soda cans with your shoes
-throw ice into a brick wall (do this outside)
-Rip up newspaper

Use these methods in the instance you feel you need to cut. These may not always work, and there are more diversions out there. These are only a few.

TRIGGERS

Last, identify your triggers. Does your mom say things that trigger you? Learn to counteract this by telling her how it makes you feel. Does your Dad come home drunk sometimes? Be asleep when he comes home, or stay at a friends if you know ahead of time he will be drinking. Friends being mean? Those are not your friends, avoid them. Picked on in a certain class? Ask to be moved to another class or go to your school administration. So on and so on.

At some point your SIing may get so bad that it is out of your control. This is when you must tell your parents if you are still a dependent on them. I know this sucks, but sometimes it must be done in order to get help that you deserve. They may become emotional at first, but this is a response to someone they love hurting themselves. Ask them to get you help, that you no longer want to do this anymore, and you need their love and support. If the case is that they will become negatively emotional (violent, etc) then approach a school official or trusted adult instead. You deserve help even if you do not think so now. Getting help is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

yesterday i went out for a walk because i was in a pretty terrible mood to say the least... but anyways, i took my camera with me (well..its actually my cellphone camera..lol)
first i walked around the block in a big circle till i got to the park (which is like directly behind my house) and i got on the swing set  :)



then i got on the jungle gym thing and sat at the top of the spiral slide because it has a little tunnel thing i could sit and chill in...then i went down the slide and sat there at the bottom for a moment lol thats when the neighbor girl, gwen, came over and sat with me.. shes really nice.. shes like 13 though lol..



:)



hehehe..yep..   shes a textin fiend

then later that day i found a stick of chalk so i went out and drew on the sidewalk



like my emo chibi? :D     lol hes so cute!!!! dont deny it  :P     
its been so hot and humid outside this whole last week here though and by like 3pm it starts to pour rain from the humidity lol so my chibi was short lived... :(   *shrugs*   hell live forever in my photo blog!!! lol  yay <3

thanks for reading my random adventure  n_n

this is how i feel...most days...

i am.........idk..... in a bad mood today...
ive been in a bad mood for like the last week or more.. -_-   im so depressed

i want to run..and just keep running. get the hell out of here, away from everyone and everything........and even then would i be happy? i dont know... *sigh* 

i should go for a walk or something............i feel glued to this bench... ive been avoiding my friends because im too depressed to have a normal interaction or company at all... i hate it... i feel so bad.. and i dont want to say "im too depressed right now to hang out" i dont want them to feel like they cant cheer me up, they probably could but im unsure and unenthused to do anything because i get a strong lack of interest due to depression...i dont want to do all those things i used to like to do..  all i do is listen to music, sit around..get stoned when the sadness creeps in..

im gonna take a zoloft.......my mind is so numb with sadness today......for no apparent reason..as always




 

this song and video are awesome.. i love her voice!!  n_n <3    

great song...sexy vocalist<3  haha

lmao.. i wanna know where these step ladders keep coming from..

There's no one in my house to watch my 7 yr old brother when he gets off school now because Amy finally got a job (she's my moms...ahem....life partner. hehe) so now, on the weekdays, from 230 till 5 I have to be at my house to watch him, which is awesome cause I'm almost never at my house plus my brother's awesome, so.. Yep.. Plus my moms payin me $10 a day ($50 a week) to watch him, which is pretty f**kin sweet cause I don't have a job. :S so anyways, today was my first day... i felt depressed this morning..I wanted to cry..it was horrible. So I took a zoloft cause I didn't wanna be havin a breakdown while I'm tryin to watch my brother...I really don't wanna have a breakdown in general. so I took that and felt great all day after that..it was nice. I was happy... My brother got home maybe 15 min. after I did..he wanted me to put on teenage mutant ninja turtles (we have 'on demand') but I couldn't find it for the life of me. So he started playing his xbox360 while I got on moms computer (and came on here to put up logos for the experience groups I had created, plus some ones that just plane had no logos) then Amy got home from her new job and needed the computer so I went out to the livingroom to play videogames with my brother..we did that for awhile then he wanted to go outside and play 'light sabers' lol those things effing hurt!! >.< little taurus boys are NOT gentle! lol.. Jeez.. but it was fun, for sure :) Now I'm back at my bfs..but I get to go back home tomorow! woot! I get so home sick :(